wherewithal

Today time flips back and forth like a ghost, like a blessing. Maybe it’s a side effect from all this willingness to bleed and bleed and bleed and let go. Side effects do that sometimes. 

   Back longer than I can remember, there have always been things I wanted to say. Things I maybe needed to say. To something I didn’t know yet, but I needed all so much it had to mean something. And it happened so many times, I'd have to be stupid not to notice. Sometimes I saw you in dreams.

 Do you remember the time we kissed? Remember the time you held me and told me all those things, the same things I had been telling you all my life, only different? I love you.

   Back longer than I can remember, there have been certain times in life where I see things I understand somehow (buildingrooftopghostskyperson) and it does not necessarily have to be something that made any sort of sense or beautiful or correct, for that matter. Sometimes it will be a hole in the blackness that sighs and weeps and is weak but strong.

 But when it does, when it becomes the thing I unconsciously look for in the sky at night, when it hits me that all I’ve ever wanted was something I could touch and believe in, it’s like the world behind this one is ripped apart. Sometimes I wonder why being ripped apart feels so much like being alive.

   I can’t breathe. Not like this, not with you. The dreams are too big and they get too stuck in my throat like the sky, only so much bigger. It hurts too much- I can’t breathe. I'll die and become dust and no one will remember me because people want to but forget because the world is pretty poison. Too much to live, too much to take in, too much to hurt, too much to breathe, too much to love too fast. Too much like what I’ve been unconsciously waiting for. Too much myself you become. 

I can’t breathe, and it feels like I’ll bleed to death and die and it feels like I’m so much alive. You’re such an integral part of me it hurts. I can’t breathe.

   I need to tell you this. It’s changed from dream to thought to reminder to fear to fucking necessity, because I don’t know how to do it any other way, and I'm stupid like that. 

   You, out there. I know you hear me. You’ve been hearing me all our lives.

   From my heart to yours. It’s always been that simple.