dream deep

 I’m not exactly a cynic or a satirical person, I’ve never secretly wanted the world to end, although I might full well be turning out to be that way, considering the way things are going. I try not to be forward or showy or uppity, I try not to let myself be caught up in the whole it’s-alright-you-re-better-than-me-but-I’m-alright-with-that. I’ve never felt the need or wanted to swear, or cuss explosively, I never was the sort to rebel in that kind of way. I never did drugs, never smoked, never drank; although now I find that maybe I should have, just to even things out a little bit. I never wanted to be melodramatic, all Shakespearean quotations and dreary literature sentences. I don’t want to show off that way, if that could be called a way of putting myself out there. I was never an out there sort of person, and I’m gradually coming to terms with the fact that I don’t know what I want because I choose to let myself be that way.

I never cry (but I do lie). Crying is for dykes who are full of heart and soul and brimming with love and legacy and foresight, and I think I’ve passed all that.  I like to think I have but I don’t rightly know where I stand now. I don’t hate. It boils up and boils down, and I’m getting tired of this running around behind alleys. I think I would like to be able to have a normal restaurant meal without needing to leave halfway and walk around the block looking at letterboxes and car windshields and picking things up to put in my pockets. I think I would like that. It is like watching people exist gets too much, the smiling and the laughing and the general co-existing, and there, I excuse myself and hope they cannot read whatever it is that is on my face.

I would like to have normal friendships where I can show up for movies and lunches unbidden and have normal conversations. I would like it if I could spend a day with a close group of people and not want to be alone, not want to leave. I would like it if I did something other than try to read the emotions in books other people wrote a hundred years ago, try to live through other things like drawings and trains and continents. I think I’d like it if I were able to pick up the phone on the first ring. I think it would be for the best if I could sleep at night, preferably before midnight. I would probably be a better person if I could return the things I borrow, knowingly or unknowingly. I’d like to say thank you more often, and it would be nice to be responsible for myself for once in my life. Perhaps then I’d have a better picture of things.