dream deep

I never wanted to be one of those people who aired their thoughts on the Internet. I used to think it was stupid, was too exposed, was overrated. I still do think that way, but now I believe the possibility that these words will inevitably be read, by some stranger or other who may or may not know me, calms me down a little. At least we know we're all still living; at least we all know we're not alone. Even if I never know your name and you only read this ten years after the fact. It will still help.
I wish I could think straight enough to be able to sort my thoughts out onto the blank page. Single file through the nearest exit, please, and neatly arrange yourselves on the page provided. I don't know if the events of my entire life thus far have or have not been leading up to this one time and place that has insofar lasted more than a year. Decisions shouldn't take this long to make. But then again, I am only what I am; and being less than other people, must make up for it in the best ways I know how.


Is this stubbornness, this is recklessness, will I only end up farther from these things I want? Or is this truth, is this impulse correctly laid out? I wish I knew, so I could give my time to what is best and what will work. But if it were that easy, it wouldn't be worth wanting, and it wouldn't be what it was.
The hardest part is the coming to terms with the fact that I may not have been who I thought I was all along. No, wait, actually, I'm not kidding anyone, that isn't hard at all. The hardest part is going to be the waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting, knowing that if I had been a little smarter or a little more braver or a little more stick-at-it, things would perhaps have been different, and I would have been high and far away. Waiting while everyone around me constantly leaves, constantly changes pace and circulates in circles I will never touch. I wait: I am afraid the waiting will make me stagnant. But I have waited thus far: I will be able to wait a little while more. If this gets me what I want, I will wait.
Then there is the part which concerns relations. If I were a more selfish person than I am now, I would leave this place and all the people I know behind: I would start over. But more often than not it seems to be the other way around: people seem to be leaving me behind all the time. The things this world keeps insisting on telling me(all the time, everywhere) are absurd. Who decided all this in the first place? But if jobs and placements and visas and love were doled out based on strength and heart and stubbornness, nothing would be different. I still would be where I am now.
I am tired of people telling me things I can or cannot do and things I should or shouldn't do. I am tired of my father, who listens to these things and have adapted them for his own, and who so inflicts them on me. I am tired of myself: selfish enough to know what I want but not strong enough to stand up for it completely.


When you stop doing something everyone else is doing, like attend college or university, and spend time around and everywhere, people frown. The world's word for it is laziness, and is something I neither believe in nor want to be. I am trying a different thing, and if I consciously hesitate it is because of course I have not the slightest idea what the consequences or the retaliations will be. I only hope it will come to good. But even hesitation must stop somewhere. Even laying all options down must stop somewhere. I cannot do this forever.
It is a selfish want, of this above all I am surer than anything I have been before. But if I do not attempt this waiting I will die young and crazy and miserable. So, the hesitation is stopped. Let the waiting begin. Let me be strong, and let me believe that I hope for good things, and let me believe that those good things shall come to pass.